we all know this pain all too well
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
#MeanwhileinCanada
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor