Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You Might Also Like
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?