Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body