Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
this has done me in for some reason
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What an awful time to have common sense.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.