I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
It be like that sometimes 😆
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“How’s your day going?”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”