It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Love this guy
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission