Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Does your wife know you’re single?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.