As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
What an awful time to have common sense.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.