i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.