Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast