Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!