I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.