My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Good dog. ❤️
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?