What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?