Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”