I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.