Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Matt Goss
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town