I didn’t come here to be called names
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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.