took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency