Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
You Might Also Like
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no