Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
This is Sparta
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
#Caturday
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow