me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable