My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
The real reason evolution started..😂
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE