Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.