Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Not helping
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys