Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
welp
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson