It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.