[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Thursday Thought.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?