Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: