Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
You Might Also Like
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Hey I worked for it too!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.