police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.