self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
they finally got him. they got macavity
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.