The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day