My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
LOL!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I feel it
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
nice challenge
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I need to get some bricks…
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.