I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“you recording!?”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.