[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.