giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
something like this could probably happen to anyone
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Who chose this font
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.