Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
the noise i just made
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret