No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy