Netflix and awkward silence?
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.