We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!