Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.