Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.