I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.