My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
reviewed some movies recently
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.