I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Phones down.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?