“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…