If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…