I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
me working on my assignments ^-^
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor