Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy